(Original posting 10/12)
Hey Everyone!
I know it's been a long, LONG time since I last posted something. I have had a lot to deal with these past months and just trying to get over all of it has been really hard. Maybe later I will divulge some of the information but it's still too fresh for me to talk about. Don't worry it's not a divorce! ha ha.
Anyhoo, I am in a better place. We just got back from vacation. We saw some rain! Can you believe it? Where I live, everything has to be irrigated for it to be green; which you would think that being near an ocean things would be green but alas, no.
We had several instances at the end of our trip. God totally gave us help when we needed it. He provided. a camping spot right at the last minute. AND when we accidently went over the 10pm curfew (we didn't know about it), there was an employee who drove up right behind us to open the gate. Whew! We would've been locked out of our camper and stuff with no where to sleep!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
A Turning
A lot has happened since the last post. I had such a hard time trying to find good things to write about during the dark times because it would just swirl around in my being like a broken record.
Well, I can tell you I am in a good place. I am happy. Mostly, I am seeing a stretching coming. Its a good stretching.
I am choosing to change my eating habits. I used to say that I don't like food. I don't like cooking. I don't like eating. But that's a part of life-nourishment. I then thought about the amount of chocolate/sugar I consume. The reality is that I LOVE sugar and not anything else. So if its true that I don't like food then I'll eat anything, right? Why not eat healthier? So I am! I bought "The Maker's Diet" and started reading it. A friend of mine is doing the paleo diet (cave man diet). My theory is "If God made it, it can be eaten" (minus some animals like bottom feeding fish/crustaceans and meat eating birds).
It was somewhat difficult to NOT eat junk during the Holidays but I knew that cutting back verses cutting off was much better. My mood has changed. The amount of food I eat now is less because I'm getting what my body needs and it's not storing the extra. This is not a diet. This is a life-change. It was a process, and is still a process, of taking out the bad for the good. When we finished the macaroni and cheese, I just didn't buy it anymore. I didn't buy the canned refried beans, I now make our own-pink beans in the crockpot! Cow milk is reserved for certain drinks. Almond milk is the new normal. Coconut milk works great in smoothies and shakes.
Well, I can tell you I am in a good place. I am happy. Mostly, I am seeing a stretching coming. Its a good stretching.
I am choosing to change my eating habits. I used to say that I don't like food. I don't like cooking. I don't like eating. But that's a part of life-nourishment. I then thought about the amount of chocolate/sugar I consume. The reality is that I LOVE sugar and not anything else. So if its true that I don't like food then I'll eat anything, right? Why not eat healthier? So I am! I bought "The Maker's Diet" and started reading it. A friend of mine is doing the paleo diet (cave man diet). My theory is "If God made it, it can be eaten" (minus some animals like bottom feeding fish/crustaceans and meat eating birds).
It was somewhat difficult to NOT eat junk during the Holidays but I knew that cutting back verses cutting off was much better. My mood has changed. The amount of food I eat now is less because I'm getting what my body needs and it's not storing the extra. This is not a diet. This is a life-change. It was a process, and is still a process, of taking out the bad for the good. When we finished the macaroni and cheese, I just didn't buy it anymore. I didn't buy the canned refried beans, I now make our own-pink beans in the crockpot! Cow milk is reserved for certain drinks. Almond milk is the new normal. Coconut milk works great in smoothies and shakes.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wild @ Heart
Why am I drawn to movies?
My emotions swing back and forth. Either I'm hooked on that OR .... somewhere deep inside I'm 'wild at heart'. I prefer the latter.
God is the perfect story-teller. He made us with imagination. Why?
If we didn't have imagination, we would still be wearing loin cloths and sleeping under the trees.
He created. AND He used His imagination. (Look at everything around us! We couldn't even see the vastness of stars until the mid 1900s.)
Storytelling is using our imagination. Maybe that's why telling stories has always been a money maker. Books, radio, tv, gossip, magazines, facebook, etc. The bigger they are....
Sometimes those stories create jobs. Police force (they love mysteries), militia (they are on the look-out for the bad guy), judges and lawyers (who is the BIGGEST storyteller?), media-especially the news, and LIBRARIES.
But mostly, these stories create holes. In us. I see my deficiencies. I get sad and unsatisfied with my life. I don't live like 'that'. I think 'that' is normal and I am not. My reality is cleaning my house and taking care of my family. I have nothing here as 'exciting' as what happens on the screen.
I have to remind myself that every part of that movie is scripted. There isn't a single person on the face of the earth who can do ALL of that. Why aren't they tired? They don't get out of breath. They don't have to take a potty break or drink water in the middle of the scene.
It isn't REAL.
But I'm still 'wild at heart'. =D
My emotions swing back and forth. Either I'm hooked on that OR .... somewhere deep inside I'm 'wild at heart'. I prefer the latter.
God is the perfect story-teller. He made us with imagination. Why?
If we didn't have imagination, we would still be wearing loin cloths and sleeping under the trees.
He created. AND He used His imagination. (Look at everything around us! We couldn't even see the vastness of stars until the mid 1900s.)
Storytelling is using our imagination. Maybe that's why telling stories has always been a money maker. Books, radio, tv, gossip, magazines, facebook, etc. The bigger they are....
Sometimes those stories create jobs. Police force (they love mysteries), militia (they are on the look-out for the bad guy), judges and lawyers (who is the BIGGEST storyteller?), media-especially the news, and LIBRARIES.
But mostly, these stories create holes. In us. I see my deficiencies. I get sad and unsatisfied with my life. I don't live like 'that'. I think 'that' is normal and I am not. My reality is cleaning my house and taking care of my family. I have nothing here as 'exciting' as what happens on the screen.
I have to remind myself that every part of that movie is scripted. There isn't a single person on the face of the earth who can do ALL of that. Why aren't they tired? They don't get out of breath. They don't have to take a potty break or drink water in the middle of the scene.
It isn't REAL.
But I'm still 'wild at heart'. =D
Thursday, February 16, 2012
waiting
i'm in a process of moving. i just know it. it's not a big thing like moving out of your house or business. it's a small thing. yet, it is also a big thing. it's physically small but it is spiritually HUGE. funny how death and dying is such a part of living and moving on.
i'm in the process of finally putting to rest a dying friendship and finding another to put in it's place. this is very hard because it's a HUGE part of me that has such an impact not only on me but on everyone around me. EVERYONE. so i need to be concerned about which relationship will fit in this hole that is growing.
the hardest part is waiting for the funeral. the hardest part is mourning. the hardest part is not being able to move on and having permission to find that next healthy relationship. the hardest part is waiting. waiting.
i cry and i pray. i hope some day that all will be mended.
i'm in the process of finally putting to rest a dying friendship and finding another to put in it's place. this is very hard because it's a HUGE part of me that has such an impact not only on me but on everyone around me. EVERYONE. so i need to be concerned about which relationship will fit in this hole that is growing.
the hardest part is waiting for the funeral. the hardest part is mourning. the hardest part is not being able to move on and having permission to find that next healthy relationship. the hardest part is waiting. waiting.
i cry and i pray. i hope some day that all will be mended.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Listening
Last night I was at someone's house. We don't see each other enough to really know each other.
He asks me how I'm doing and I tell him that my day is the same day in and day out. (With a tone like 'I wish I had something to do'.) I tell him about my kids and that I'm currently taking an online class. I then proceed to tell him a little bit about what the class entails. How I struggled with whether I was supposed to take the class until I heard God tell me that I was supposed to take the class to benefit others.
I didn't get very far into the conversation before his attention had drifted (or was directly taken by someone else) to another topic. I saw the whole thing happen. I shut down.
A similar thing happened on Sunday. Someone asked me a question. I answered them. They did the "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" The kind that says I'm not really listening nor do I care. Again, I shut down..
WHAT? What are you saying that I'm not hearing? Am I boring you? Am I talking too much?
And then, I realize-- I do that too. Especially to my family. It's so easy to "uh-huh" your way through life. It's easy to not listen to people when you think the conversation isn't important TO YOU. But to the other person talking, It Is Their WORLD.
I hate that feeling I get when I know that the other person can't wait to get out of the conversation we, or rather I, are in. I feel inadequate, stupid, worthless, no-one-has-time-for-me.
So here it is: It has to start with me.
He asks me how I'm doing and I tell him that my day is the same day in and day out. (With a tone like 'I wish I had something to do'.) I tell him about my kids and that I'm currently taking an online class. I then proceed to tell him a little bit about what the class entails. How I struggled with whether I was supposed to take the class until I heard God tell me that I was supposed to take the class to benefit others.
I didn't get very far into the conversation before his attention had drifted (or was directly taken by someone else) to another topic. I saw the whole thing happen. I shut down.
A similar thing happened on Sunday. Someone asked me a question. I answered them. They did the "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" The kind that says I'm not really listening nor do I care. Again, I shut down..
WHAT? What are you saying that I'm not hearing? Am I boring you? Am I talking too much?
And then, I realize-- I do that too. Especially to my family. It's so easy to "uh-huh" your way through life. It's easy to not listen to people when you think the conversation isn't important TO YOU. But to the other person talking, It Is Their WORLD.
I hate that feeling I get when I know that the other person can't wait to get out of the conversation we, or rather I, are in. I feel inadequate, stupid, worthless, no-one-has-time-for-me.
So here it is: It has to start with me.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Every Child
Every child wants to please dad. "Am I ok?" But if dad isn't there, the child faces abandonment and rejection among other things. "Dad left because of me. There must be something wrong with me. I am fatally flawed."
Transfer that to God:
-God is angry with me. -God is absent/distant. -We become works oriented. -Feelings of self-pity -I don't deserve (good things).
Every child needs the softness of mom. "Am I lovable?" But if mom isn't there, the child has no safe place to be comforted, to relax, to be "me", to talk things out, no place to feel "unjudged". "I am not ok. I have to be strong. No one is safe, I'm not safe. Work, work, work."
Transfer that to God:
-God is judgmental. -God is not safe. -God is angry. -God is not soft, comforting. -God punishes harshly. -I have to perform to get God to 'love' me. -God doesn't want me. -God doesn't even like me.
So many people grow up without one or both parents. It's sad really because God created the family unit to have BOTH parents involved in the child's life to create wholeness. The masculinity of the male creates confidence in a child. It creates the "go-get 'em, Tiger" we all want to hear. We NEED dad to push and cheer us on. We need him to teach us to be confident in ourselves.
We need mom. She is the tender side. She calls to us in the quiet moments to talk to us gently. She holds us and comforts us. When we lose the game, she's there to give the "it's ok, I still love YOU" talk. And we need that. There's nothing wrong with me, I just didn't quite make it... this time. She enjoys time with us. She listens to our hearts and loves what's in it. She doesn't condemn us for what's inside. She's the safe place.
Then, when we know we are safe, and we can trust the family unit. We listen, again to dad's "Go get 'em, Tiger! Knock 'em dead!" And we will get up and try again. Why? Because that's what we're really made of. Trust. Love. Expectancy. Rest. Safety. LOVE.
God is all of these. He really is.
Unfortunately, many of my friends are not experiencing these. O how I long to be able to help them understand. But not in their heads. In their entire being. What fun it is to just KNOW who you are and WHY.
That's what we call PURPOSE.
This song is by Kelly Clarkson. It's very touching, very true. I'm glad she spoke out because so many people feel this way about divorce. It really breaks the heart to hear what little children feel. And still feel as they get older but the feelings never go away.
Transfer that to God:
-God is angry with me. -God is absent/distant. -We become works oriented. -Feelings of self-pity -I don't deserve (good things).
Every child needs the softness of mom. "Am I lovable?" But if mom isn't there, the child has no safe place to be comforted, to relax, to be "me", to talk things out, no place to feel "unjudged". "I am not ok. I have to be strong. No one is safe, I'm not safe. Work, work, work."
Transfer that to God:
-God is judgmental. -God is not safe. -God is angry. -God is not soft, comforting. -God punishes harshly. -I have to perform to get God to 'love' me. -God doesn't want me. -God doesn't even like me.
So many people grow up without one or both parents. It's sad really because God created the family unit to have BOTH parents involved in the child's life to create wholeness. The masculinity of the male creates confidence in a child. It creates the "go-get 'em, Tiger" we all want to hear. We NEED dad to push and cheer us on. We need him to teach us to be confident in ourselves.
We need mom. She is the tender side. She calls to us in the quiet moments to talk to us gently. She holds us and comforts us. When we lose the game, she's there to give the "it's ok, I still love YOU" talk. And we need that. There's nothing wrong with me, I just didn't quite make it... this time. She enjoys time with us. She listens to our hearts and loves what's in it. She doesn't condemn us for what's inside. She's the safe place.
Then, when we know we are safe, and we can trust the family unit. We listen, again to dad's "Go get 'em, Tiger! Knock 'em dead!" And we will get up and try again. Why? Because that's what we're really made of. Trust. Love. Expectancy. Rest. Safety. LOVE.
God is all of these. He really is.
Unfortunately, many of my friends are not experiencing these. O how I long to be able to help them understand. But not in their heads. In their entire being. What fun it is to just KNOW who you are and WHY.
That's what we call PURPOSE.
This song is by Kelly Clarkson. It's very touching, very true. I'm glad she spoke out because so many people feel this way about divorce. It really breaks the heart to hear what little children feel. And still feel as they get older but the feelings never go away.
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