Never too late

(Original posting 10/12)
Hey Everyone!

I know it's been a long, LONG time since I last posted something.  I have had a lot to deal with these past months and just trying to get over all of it has been really hard.  Maybe later I will divulge some of the information but it's still too fresh for me to talk about.  Don't worry it's not a divorce!  ha ha.

Anyhoo, I am in a better place.  We just got back from vacation.  We saw some rain!  Can you believe it?  Where I live, everything has to be irrigated for it to be green; which you would think that being near an ocean things would be green but alas, no.

We had several instances at the end of our trip.  God totally gave us help when we needed it.  He provided. a camping spot right at the last minute.  AND when we accidently went over the 10pm curfew (we didn't know about it), there was an employee who drove up right behind us to open the gate.  Whew! We would've been locked out of our camper and stuff with no where to sleep!

A Turning

A lot has happened since the last post.   I had such a hard time trying to find good things to write about during the dark times because it would just swirl around in my being like a broken record.

Well, I can tell you I am in a good place.  I am happy.  Mostly, I am seeing a stretching coming.  Its a good stretching.

I am choosing to change my eating habits.  I used to say that I don't like food.  I don't like cooking.  I don't like eating.  But that's a part of life-nourishment.  I then thought about the amount of chocolate/sugar I consume.  The reality is that I LOVE sugar and not anything else.  So if its true that I don't like food then I'll eat anything, right?  Why not eat healthier?  So I am!  I bought "The Maker's Diet" and started reading it. A friend of mine is doing the paleo diet (cave man diet). My theory is "If God made it, it can be eaten" (minus some animals like bottom feeding fish/crustaceans and meat eating birds).

It was somewhat difficult to NOT eat junk during the Holidays but I knew that cutting back verses cutting off was much better.  My mood has changed.  The amount of food I eat now is less because I'm getting what my body needs and it's not storing the extra.  This is not a diet.  This is a life-change.  It was a process, and is still a process, of taking out the bad for the good.  When we finished the macaroni and cheese, I just didn't buy it anymore.  I didn't buy the canned refried beans, I now make our own-pink beans in the crockpot!  Cow milk is reserved for certain drinks.  Almond milk is the new normal.  Coconut milk works great in smoothies and shakes.

Wild @ Heart

Why am I drawn to movies?

 My emotions swing back and forth.  Either I'm hooked on that OR .... somewhere deep inside I'm 'wild at heart'.  I prefer the latter.

God is the perfect story-teller.  He made us with imagination.  Why?
If we didn't have imagination, we would still be wearing loin cloths and sleeping under the trees.

He created.  AND He used His imagination.  (Look at everything around us!  We couldn't even see the vastness of stars until the mid 1900s.)

Storytelling is using our imagination.  Maybe that's why telling stories has always been a money maker.  Books, radio, tv, gossip, magazines, facebook, etc.  The bigger they are....

Sometimes those stories create jobs.  Police force (they love mysteries), militia (they are on the look-out for the bad guy), judges and lawyers (who is the BIGGEST storyteller?), media-especially the news, and LIBRARIES.

But mostly, these stories create holes.  In us.  I see my deficiencies.  I get sad and unsatisfied with my life.  I don't live like 'that'.  I think 'that' is normal and I am not.  My reality is cleaning my house and taking care of my family.  I have nothing here as 'exciting' as what happens on the screen.

I have to remind myself that every part of that movie is scripted.  There isn't a single person on the face of the earth who can do ALL of that.  Why aren't they tired?  They don't get out of breath.  They don't have to take a potty break or drink water in the middle of the scene.

It isn't REAL.


But I'm still 'wild at heart'.  =D

waiting

i'm in a process of moving.  i just know it. it's not a big thing like moving out of your house or business.  it's a small thing.  yet, it is also a big thing.  it's physically small but it is spiritually HUGE.  funny how death and dying is such a part of living and moving on.

i'm in the process of finally putting to rest a dying friendship and finding another to put in it's place.  this is very hard because it's a HUGE part of me that has such an impact not only on me but on everyone around me.  EVERYONE.  so i need to be concerned about which relationship will fit in this hole that is growing.

the hardest part is waiting for the funeral.  the hardest part is mourning.  the hardest part is not being able to move on and having permission to find that next healthy relationship.  the hardest part is waiting. waiting.

i cry and i pray.  i hope some day that all will be mended.

Listening

Last night I was at someone's house.  We don't see each other enough to really know each other.

He asks me how I'm doing and I tell him that my day is the same day in and day out.  (With a tone like 'I wish I had something to do'.)  I tell him about my kids and that I'm currently taking an online class.  I then proceed to tell him a little bit about what the class entails.  How I struggled with whether I was supposed to take the class until I heard God tell me that I was supposed to take the class to benefit others.

I didn't get very far into the conversation before his attention had drifted (or was directly taken by someone else) to another topic.  I saw the whole thing happen.  I shut down.

A similar thing happened on Sunday.  Someone asked me a question.  I answered them.  They did the "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh"  The kind that says I'm not really listening nor do I care.   Again, I shut down..

WHAT?  What are you saying that I'm not hearing?  Am I boring you?  Am I talking too much?

And then, I realize-- I do that too.  Especially to my family.  It's so easy to "uh-huh" your way through life.  It's easy to not listen to people when you think the conversation isn't important TO YOU.  But to the other person talking, It Is Their WORLD.

I hate that feeling I get when I know that the other person can't wait to get out of the conversation we, or rather I, are in.  I feel inadequate, stupid, worthless, no-one-has-time-for-me.

So here it is: It has to start with me.

Brene Brown

Here's a clip from Brene Brown.  She talks about vulerabilty and she says it very well.

Every Child

Every child wants to please dad.  "Am I ok?"  But if dad isn't there, the child faces abandonment and rejection among other things.  "Dad left because of me.  There must be something wrong with me.  I am fatally flawed."

Transfer that to God:
 -God is angry with me.  -God is absent/distant.  -We become works oriented.  -Feelings of self-pity  -I don't deserve (good things).

Every child needs the softness of mom.  "Am I lovable?" But if mom isn't there, the child has no safe place to be comforted, to relax, to be "me", to talk things out, no place to feel "unjudged".  "I am not ok.  I have to be strong.  No one is safe, I'm not safe.  Work, work, work."

Transfer that to God:

 -God is judgmental.  -God is not safe.  -God is angry.  -God is not soft, comforting.  -God punishes harshly.  -I have to perform to get God to 'love' me.  -God doesn't want me.  -God doesn't even like me.

So many people grow up without one or both parents.  It's sad really because God created the family unit to have BOTH parents involved in the child's life to create wholeness.  The masculinity of the male creates confidence in a child.  It creates the "go-get 'em, Tiger" we all want to hear.  We NEED dad to push and cheer us on.  We need him to teach us to be confident in ourselves.

We need mom.  She is the tender side.  She calls to us in the quiet moments to talk to us gently.  She holds us and comforts us.  When we lose the game, she's there to give the "it's ok, I still love YOU" talk.  And we need that.  There's nothing wrong with me, I just didn't quite make it... this time.  She enjoys time with us.  She listens to our hearts and loves what's in it.  She  doesn't condemn us for what's inside.  She's the safe place.

Then, when we know we are safe, and we can trust the family unit.  We listen, again to dad's "Go get 'em, Tiger!  Knock 'em dead!"  And we will get up and try again.  Why?  Because that's what we're really made of.  Trust.  Love.  Expectancy.  Rest.  Safety.    LOVE.

God is all of these.  He really is.

Unfortunately, many of my friends are not experiencing these.  O how I long to be able to help them understand.  But not in their heads.  In their entire being.  What fun it is to just KNOW who you are and WHY.

That's what we call  PURPOSE.

This song is by Kelly Clarkson.  It's very touching, very true.  I'm glad she spoke out because so many people feel this way about divorce.  It really breaks the heart to hear what little children feel.  And still feel as they get older but the feelings never go away.

School again

We started school again yesterday.  We had the longest, most amazing Christmas Vacation ever!  It's not that our Christmas was amazing or our New Year's.

My parents asked if my oldest daughter (13) could go with them to Colorado to go to my cousin's wedding and to be my mom's companion while my dad worked.  My husband and I thought and prayed about it and gave her a "thumbs up".  My daughter was ecstatic.  She spent 1-on-1 time with Grandma and got a breakfast date with Grandpa.  She saw the Garden of the Gods and went to Focus on the Family's Whit's End.  She even got to drink a world famous chocolate soda which the call a "wo-fam-choc-sod"  (hyphenated so you can read it).

My other daughter (12) stayed home with us.  I told her to write down all the things she wanted to do and we'd do them.  We marked off everything on her list (except horseback riding-$) even the ones we, her parents, added.  We painted ceramics, organized her room, bought her nice clothes, got her a new haircut, checked out Barnes and Noble, drank hot chocolate from Starbucks (very popular out here), took a trip to IKEA, went bowling, played some games at a video arcade place called the Boardwalk, got a chocolate dipped cone from McDonalds.

Plus my friend, who is currently living in Germany due to husband's job, came out and we got to spend time hitting all the thrift stores by my house.  See, we don't have garage sales out here in San Diego like they do in other places.  How I wish we did!  I could find all kinds of goodies....muuah ha ha.  For creative purposes of course.

So, everyone's back to their normal habits.  Yuck.  I really prefer not having everything being so mundane.  But, what do you do when your husband has a job and kids need school!

I found a headboard sitting out on my neighbor's curb about a month back.  I'm finally getting around to antiquing it.  I'm going to turn it into a bench, if I'm successful.   Otherwise,  I don't know.......

figuine

I painted the girl figurine last night.  She's turned out quite cute!

And here she is!

The yellow is actually glittery, but with the light and the camera shot, you can't really see it. 

Anyway.  It's my first shot at doing a paper mache figurine.  Ta-da!  

Not bad.  Not bad, at all.

Christmas presents

I bought some shoes at Payless and I made these.

I saw a tutorial here.  They were pretty easy to do.  I found the comics online, googling Mickey Mouse comics.

I also made glitter flats.  I will have to show them to you later.

She art figurine raw

She art figurine raw, a photo by LoveRenewed on Flickr.

I'm taking an online class called "She Art 2".  It's put on by Christy Tomlinson.  This is one of the things I am making from that class.  When it dries, I'm gonna paint it.  It's going in a Christmas gift basket.  I have to make 2 baskets for gift giving.  One will be art things and the other will be baked goods and homemade items that are usable.  

I'm also going to be making these for gifts...

and these...

But it won't be Superman and Batman.  Mickey Mouse or something more cutesy than superhero stuff.

Yay!!! So fun!

Pictures of Christmas things

Totally in the mood to create prettiness!  

I've been wanting to find Christmas-y stuff that's not really Christmassy. (Is that a word?)  To be able to turn it into really anything.

This is what I found...

These sparkly metal "trees" are at Target, or they were.  I can't find any more.  (pout)  I would love to be able to find another set.  The pinecones are from my neighbor's tree that's been dropping on our driveway.  The wine glasses are from the local thrift store (so many finds!) and in them are battery operated candles (from the dollar store).

This is a cupcake holder from World Market/Cost Plus.  My mom was looking for cupcake holders for my dad's 60th birthday bash back in June.  She bought 3 and I bought 1 because I think it's so darn cute!  I added granny smith apples, more pinecones from my neighbor's tree and pomegranates.  The table runner is from Target.  The white tablecloth is from my grandma, she found it at a garage sale.  The words on my dining room wall are from Uppercase Living (vinyl lettering), Michael's (wood letters) and Joann's (metal words).  The lazy susan is from IKEA.

This is an advent calendar thing I made in February or March, I think.  I made 4.  My mom bought them from me to give to my siblings.  This is called 3D peek a box and it comes with the numbers.  I bought the paper online.  I filled mine yesterday with candy and the kids get to open one each day!  So cute!

My husband pulled out the boxes full of Christmas stuff.  I realized we don't have much-4 boxes.  One for the tree including our stockings, one with all my nativity scenes (4, I think), one with random stuff that I place in our bathrooms.  The last box has my Willow Tree nativity pieces.  I have Mary and Joseph and the shepherd sets; both given to me as gifts.  (Nothing better than receiving Willow Tree figurines as gifts!)  I'm also going through the boxes to find what things I want to keep and things I think are totally hokey (and cheap ie Oriental Trading-ish) and shopping for something to take their places.  The above centerpieces are examples of what I've found so far.  (Big, content smiles.)

The latest

So, this image has been in my head for a couple of days and I just had to get it out.  I love it.  I think it's so soft and gentle.  I'm not sure where it's going but I think it's going to be one of my new favorites.

So, what do you think?

Looking forward to Christmas this year.  Loving the smells.  Gonna bake Christmas goodies with Grandma, buy decorations for the house, put up lights, and we are hosting the family Christmas Eve party.

Very festive.

On my to do list:

Work on the project in the garage (I'm thinking of turning the headboard I found a couple days ago into a bench.)

Paint the office yellow.

Re-design my parents' kitchen.  (They just moved last weekend into a fixer-upper.)

Today, in My Utmost for His Highest- written by Oswald Chambers in the early 1900's, I was reading about shallow things.  You know, eating, drinking, sleeping, talking, housework, homework, driving....  He said, "Even oceans (the deep) have shores (the shallow).


I can't help but think about my daughter.  She doesn't think before she talks.  It just all comes out.  I'm not saying that she bad-mouths people.  She just talks non-stop about everything and it's a long, run-on sentence.  I thought maybe she'd grow out of it, but she's 12 now and I'm beginning to think that this is going to stick around for a long while.


I would get so frustrated with her because I want to have conversations that are deep and meaningful while she wants to talk about the shapes of the clouds or how she's going to protect our animals from coyotes or other "off the top of her head" conversation.  I began to tune her out.  Now all I do is say "uh-huh" and keep doing what I'm doing and not listening at all.  That's just how it's progressed.


Today's devotional really hit me between the eyes because it's saying: 
"Beware of allowing yourself to think that the shallow concerns of life are not ordained of God; they are as much of God as the profound. It is not your devotion to God that makes you refuse to be shallow, but your wish to impress other people with the fact that you are not shallow, which is a sure sign that you are a spiritual prig. Be careful of the production of contempt in yourself, it always comes along this line, and causes you to go about as a walking rebuke to other people because they are more shallow than you are. Beware of posing as a profound person; God became a Baby."   


Ouch.  I asked God why I long for this "deepness".  He showed me when I was younger, before I was a teenager, I desired to be deeper because I thought my dad was deep and that the only way I'd get his attention was to be deep too.   I wanted to be proud of my wisdom.  And thus I have become.  BUT, I have contempt for others who are shallow.  And yet God became a baby.  He took the steps to come to the shallow and show them the profound, yet simple truth.  LOVE.  The real definition of LOVE.  not lust (which gratifies self).


I have given God that wound.  I want to be open to my shallow yet simple daughter.  I know there are others out there just like her.  I don't want to have contempt for people who won't (or rather can't) reach to my level.  It's totally ok.  BECAUSE  God told me that everyone has a different relationship with him.  We are not all the same.  Just like in a bouquet of flowers, you have the greenery, baby's breath, sunflowers and the lillies-just to name a few.  We are all part of a bouquet.  (I hope we smell delightful!)

Murmuration

This is absoulutely beautiful.  It's wonderful watching God's creation dance.

What stirs you?

Expanding

I just moved my art bookcase, 2 days ago, to the very unused family room.  I did it while my husband was at our church's men's retreat.  I knew I could do it on my own (sort of).  How hard could it be taking all the stuff out, dragginng it about 20 feet and reorganizing it?  I was feeling pretty good.

Now. Now, my back hurts.  I'm walking around all stiff.  I put heat on it this afternoon.  My family thinks I'm sick.  I smile.  Lovin' the love. :)  Then I tell them that it's my back and then I hear "You're old!"  Quickly, the love leaves the room.  (Tears)

Ah well, it can't be helped.  At least I'm getting a bigger art room out of it.

Still working on making it mine.  I haven't come up with any decoration 'ah-ha' moments.  But they will come.  They always do.  :)

It's time?

Years ago, before we moved into this house, God told me we were going to move and gave me the timeframe in which it was going to happen.  Two days later, my husband had a dream, a very detailed dream, about a house we were going to move into.  I had not told him about what God had told me.

Everything about his dream was correct.  The yard, the roof-line, even the stuff going on in the house at the time.

We have forgotten the dream.  It's not something we dwell on.  Although there has been 1 element that has not happened yet.  Until just now.

Two boys dressed in military garb have just come to the door and asked my husband if the girls could play with them.  Just like in his dream.  My husband's response in his dream over 6 years ago was, "I'm sorry, my girls can't play war games."  My husband's response today?  The same exact words.

Does this mean we are done in this house?  Are we moving on soon?  I don't know.  I am ready to leave.  But the memories here....I think every woman cries over the home she's created and then has to leave it.

When I think about it, I can honestly say I can totally move on.  I am willing to redecorate to my pleasure.  I am willing to accept the challenge of fun and exciting new things.  I am willing to find new friends.  I am not attached to friends here in my neighborhood.  (It seems like no one wants to reach out here anyway.  I've tried!)

Some part still mourns for the years I've been here and have to leave. But, at the same time, this has never felt like home.  When we are gone for more than a week, the first thought when I see this house is "This isn't mine."  Honestly, it isn't.  It's a tool.  It always has been.  I just hope that we added to it and that the next person to get this house will fall in love with whatever character we've put into this place as well as add their own.

God bless the next house owners.

Finished

I finished the old antique furnace.  Rustoleum spray paint works wonders.  

What do you think?

I also saw something we don't normally see out here.

Parrots! on the telephone lines near my house!  There's a grouping of them that's around 300 birds.  They don't all flock together.  Generally, they like to hang out in groups of 3-15.  Every year they add more to their numbers.  They are loud, and ugly sounding.  They also love to eat the fruit off our trees.  I don't mind it when they get the fruit on the top of our trees 'cuz we can't get to them.   I don't know how big their migration trail is, but when I talk about it to people around my area, most of them seem to know about the parrots.  Who knew southern California had it's own wild parrots?

Encouragement

I woke up this morning and just wanted to hide in bed.  Why?  I had to really ask myself.  I knew this old feeling.  It's similar to depression and it's best friend is self-pity.

I'm about to embark on a journey that I've sorta been on before-art business.

Two + years ago, I got involved in one of those businesses where you have to create your 'downline' and meet quotas.  It was stressful for me. My 'job' lasted a year and a half and I felt like a loser.  AND I used the family funds, thinking this would make money, and it didn't.  Thankfully, we were fine.

I'm just afraid it's gonna happen again.  I'm gonna stress out about all the things I have to do, things I have to know...

As I gave all this to God, I heard Him loud and clear, "you have to do this."  Peace came. He said it with the intent to help others, not for my benefit.  (Of course I benefit too:))

This is going to be hard because I'm walking out in courage in opposition to my fears.  (Big, scary world. Little tiny me.)

Way to go, Me!

Jesus, I need your help to battle the feelings of hiding/escaping thru sleeping, many hours of computer usage, rented/borrowed movies, etc.  Fill me with your love, peace, hope and joy to continue on to the calling you put in my heart: healing hearts thru art. Amen

Amazing Weekend

Saturday was October Fest at our old church.  We came home with so many goodies!  Come to find out, most of the stuff we brought home belonged to an old friend!  His wife's grandmother had an old room heater made by Fireside.  It's an old tin thing with a gas valve.  It's totally covered in rust, but I'm gonna fix it up and who knows, maybe turn it into art.

Then, Saturday night, I got to meet Christy Tomlinson!  She's awesome.  She and her husband are so laid back, and everyone is a friend.  I wish I could look at people that way.  Hey, I'm trying! Christy is one of those people you would want to have as a friend.  I love people who have that type of personality.

Church was awesome.  People were getting touched by God.  My husband asked for ministry from the pastor and God just touched him there.  Then we got in touch with a long lost friend.  My husband asked him if he had seen the movie "Courageous", he said 'no'.  So both guys went to go see the movie.  They talked for hours afterward.  It was good.  Male bonding time is always good.  It's good to see my husband hang out with other guys.

If you have not seen this movie yet, I highly encourage you to go see it.  It's about the calling of men to be husbands, fathers, leaders of their home and active participants in their church.  It's all done in a non-condemning way.