Thursday, February 16, 2012


i'm in a process of moving.  i just know it. it's not a big thing like moving out of your house or business.  it's a small thing.  yet, it is also a big thing.  it's physically small but it is spiritually HUGE.  funny how death and dying is such a part of living and moving on.

i'm in the process of finally putting to rest a dying friendship and finding another to put in it's place.  this is very hard because it's a HUGE part of me that has such an impact not only on me but on everyone around me.  EVERYONE.  so i need to be concerned about which relationship will fit in this hole that is growing.

the hardest part is waiting for the funeral.  the hardest part is mourning.  the hardest part is not being able to move on and having permission to find that next healthy relationship.  the hardest part is waiting. waiting.

i cry and i pray.  i hope some day that all will be mended.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Last night I was at someone's house.  We don't see each other enough to really know each other.

He asks me how I'm doing and I tell him that my day is the same day in and day out.  (With a tone like 'I wish I had something to do'.)  I tell him about my kids and that I'm currently taking an online class.  I then proceed to tell him a little bit about what the class entails.  How I struggled with whether I was supposed to take the class until I heard God tell me that I was supposed to take the class to benefit others.

I didn't get very far into the conversation before his attention had drifted (or was directly taken by someone else) to another topic.  I saw the whole thing happen.  I shut down.

A similar thing happened on Sunday.  Someone asked me a question.  I answered them.  They did the "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh"  The kind that says I'm not really listening nor do I care.   Again, I shut down..

WHAT?  What are you saying that I'm not hearing?  Am I boring you?  Am I talking too much?

And then, I realize-- I do that too.  Especially to my family.  It's so easy to "uh-huh" your way through life.  It's easy to not listen to people when you think the conversation isn't important TO YOU.  But to the other person talking, It Is Their WORLD.

I hate that feeling I get when I know that the other person can't wait to get out of the conversation we, or rather I, are in.  I feel inadequate, stupid, worthless, no-one-has-time-for-me.

So here it is: It has to start with me.