Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Eye "candy"

Made some art last night.  My husband is out of town and I'm sick with a cold!  Stayed up until I was ready to pass out.  Here's what I got:

They're fuzzy 'cuz I was using my Blackberry phone.  But you get the idea.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

If we confess....

I'm on week 3 of the Soul Restoration class.  It's good.  But there's one element that's missing.  It's a rather big element, I think.  It's God.  So far, and I'm not very far in, it really talks about YOU and, well, you.  Last week was about God but really, not enough.  At least for me.

I thought, maybe I just need to feel the whole thing out.  But I'm really getting bummed out.  So yesterday, I just had to tell God how wonderful he was and just that sentence alone made me feel much better.  How much better?  WELL...Let's just say that I have crept into my old bad habits: too many movies, not eating well/not eating enough, and as every person does when they aren't proud of what they do, HIDE.

No, I am not perky all the time.  No, I'm not perfect.  I do have my down side and this is it.  (If I had chocolate in the house I'd be stuffing it in my face, but it's all gone.)  The worst part is the spiral downward.  One thought leads to another know.  Shame. Guilt.  HIDING.

I am SO glad God gave me great revelation just before this hit.  It's something I can hold onto in the midst of the stuff I'm going through.  (It was the dept of Love the Father has toward his Son and vise versa.  So much so that they wanted to share it.  Then when the Father asked the Son to bear our sins, out of Love he said YES.  The Love is THAT deep.  It's not something we will understand, nor grasp.  Even when we get to heaven we still won't be able to fully grasp Love.  Why?  Because the only one who can fully grasp the meaning is the Bearer.  God is Love.  We are not.  But ANY dose he decides to give me, I'll take with open arms.  BECAUSE IT IS GOOD.  And we don't even know what GOOD means!  It means pure, with no strings attached.  Isn't that awesome?!?  We haven't met this standard!  We are ALL "indian givers" (No racism intended.  I'm just using the term.)

Here's the picture I did yesterday.  The only rights I have to it is the placement of things.  That's the only "art" I did.  So I guess you could call it a collage.  This is per my dad's request.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

wow...i never thought.

So I'm in week 2 of Soul Restoration by Brave Girls Club.  I have some things to face.  Most of it has to do with my worth.  Now I'm going through the pain of defeating the lies that are within me.  It's scary.  It's hard.  But this is something I have to walk through.

See, Jesus died for us.  He wanted a relationship for us.  What that means is we have value.  I have value.  But something inside tells me differently.  I have not had a voice for so long.  And when I did find it.  It was small.  So small, in fact, that loud, pushy people get their way with me.  I become a trembling little girl in the corner.

How did this happen?  I had an incident when I was 4 years old.  But there were so many other things in my life that constantly pushed me down.  So now, now is the time to say-to myself, to my world-"I have to say something."  "I am something."  "I have value."

I sit here now, so scared.  What will happen?  I know the truth in my head "I am worth it.  I can do it.  It will be ok."  But what is it that's deeper that causes the fear.  Is it me?  No.  It's not me.  Me:  I long to be free.  Fear:  It wants to control me.  Who is my friend?   NOT fear. 

So I'm stepping out.  I have a huge step to take tomorrow.  It will go well.  I will be heard, even for a little while and hopefully in a great magnitude.  But even just a little understanding would be a big step.

I am so thankful my husband and Jesus are in full support of the whole thing.

I can't wait to become the flower I'm meant to be.  No Fear....and Playing to my heart's content.

Loved..........feels good.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

glory and healing

This week is the first week in more than 9 weeks that we have taken a week of of school.  Why?  Because the kids are done with their first semester.  Why so late, you ask?  Because we started out with a different curriculum and didn't like it.  So we started another one, 3 months into the year.  So.  Today is Tuesday and I loved that yesterday was REALLY long.  Plus, Grandma has one of the kids while we spend quality time with this one and then switch in the middle of the week.  We did a bunch of stuff together.  Paint nails, get a slurpee, go shopping.  She also got a letter from her pen pal yesterday.  To top it all of, a tooth came out out last night.  She's all smiles from ear to ear.

Today we had a family breakfast date at Denny's.  Then hang out with friends from church at Peter Piper Pizza.  As for the rest of the day?  Who knows.

I need this just as much as they do.

So, I'm starting an art/healing class today.  It's from the Brave Girls Club.  I don't know how much time I will be on this blog during that time.  I may be here a ton, telling you what I'm learning.  OR I might lay low.  My guess is I'll be laying low.

God, right now, is really having me camp on "glory".  Here's the definition:


n. pl. glo·ries
1. Great honor, praise, or distinction accorded by common consent; renown.
2. Something conferring honor or renown.
3. A highly praiseworthy asset: Your wit is your crowning glory.
4. Adoration, praise, and thanksgiving offered in worship.
5. Majestic beauty and splendor; resplendence: The sun set in a blaze of glory.
6. The splendor and bliss of heaven; perfect happiness.
7. A height of achievement, enjoyment, or prosperity: ancient Rome in its greatest glory.
8. A halo, nimbus, or aureole. Also called gloriole.
intr.v. glo·ried, glo·ry·ing, glo·ries To rejoice triumphantly; exult:

I have looked up in my bible concordance the word "glory".  In Exodus it talks about "awesome in glory" in Moses' and Miriam's song.  So good.  The next entry talks about Moses seeing God's glory, meaning the back of Jesus.  After reading these, I just cried and cried.  Why?  I don't know.  Worst part was, by the time I finished crying, I looked at the clock and realized I had to be at church in 15 minutes and I wasn't even out of bed yet.  (This was Sunday, by the way.)   The worship there was good, the 3rd song was "I Exalt Thee".  All I could do was bow.  I couldn't even sing the song, I was crying so hard.  Why?  Again, I don't know.  And I was/am perfect OK with that.

I used to worry what people thought of me in church.  I thought, "If I went up, they'd know I need help."  Well, dog-gone-it, if we didn't need help,WHY ON EARTH ARE WE AT CHURCH?  We need God all the time!  And we need people!  Now, we ain't perfect.  But we still need each other. There's something to that.  Add a little Need with a lot of Forgiveness and an even larger amount of God and Grace and you got yourself a Kingdom Of Heaven.  What could be lovelier?