Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Wild @ Heart

Why am I drawn to movies?

 My emotions swing back and forth.  Either I'm hooked on that OR .... somewhere deep inside I'm 'wild at heart'.  I prefer the latter.

God is the perfect story-teller.  He made us with imagination.  Why?
If we didn't have imagination, we would still be wearing loin cloths and sleeping under the trees.

He created.  AND He used His imagination.  (Look at everything around us!  We couldn't even see the vastness of stars until the mid 1900s.)

Storytelling is using our imagination.  Maybe that's why telling stories has always been a money maker.  Books, radio, tv, gossip, magazines, facebook, etc.  The bigger they are....

Sometimes those stories create jobs.  Police force (they love mysteries), militia (they are on the look-out for the bad guy), judges and lawyers (who is the BIGGEST storyteller?), media-especially the news, and LIBRARIES.

But mostly, these stories create holes.  In us.  I see my deficiencies.  I get sad and unsatisfied with my life.  I don't live like 'that'.  I think 'that' is normal and I am not.  My reality is cleaning my house and taking care of my family.  I have nothing here as 'exciting' as what happens on the screen.

I have to remind myself that every part of that movie is scripted.  There isn't a single person on the face of the earth who can do ALL of that.  Why aren't they tired?  They don't get out of breath.  They don't have to take a potty break or drink water in the middle of the scene.

It isn't REAL.

But I'm still 'wild at heart'.  =D

Thursday, February 16, 2012


i'm in a process of moving.  i just know it. it's not a big thing like moving out of your house or business.  it's a small thing.  yet, it is also a big thing.  it's physically small but it is spiritually HUGE.  funny how death and dying is such a part of living and moving on.

i'm in the process of finally putting to rest a dying friendship and finding another to put in it's place.  this is very hard because it's a HUGE part of me that has such an impact not only on me but on everyone around me.  EVERYONE.  so i need to be concerned about which relationship will fit in this hole that is growing.

the hardest part is waiting for the funeral.  the hardest part is mourning.  the hardest part is not being able to move on and having permission to find that next healthy relationship.  the hardest part is waiting. waiting.

i cry and i pray.  i hope some day that all will be mended.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Last night I was at someone's house.  We don't see each other enough to really know each other.

He asks me how I'm doing and I tell him that my day is the same day in and day out.  (With a tone like 'I wish I had something to do'.)  I tell him about my kids and that I'm currently taking an online class.  I then proceed to tell him a little bit about what the class entails.  How I struggled with whether I was supposed to take the class until I heard God tell me that I was supposed to take the class to benefit others.

I didn't get very far into the conversation before his attention had drifted (or was directly taken by someone else) to another topic.  I saw the whole thing happen.  I shut down.

A similar thing happened on Sunday.  Someone asked me a question.  I answered them.  They did the "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh"  The kind that says I'm not really listening nor do I care.   Again, I shut down..

WHAT?  What are you saying that I'm not hearing?  Am I boring you?  Am I talking too much?

And then, I realize-- I do that too.  Especially to my family.  It's so easy to "uh-huh" your way through life.  It's easy to not listen to people when you think the conversation isn't important TO YOU.  But to the other person talking, It Is Their WORLD.

I hate that feeling I get when I know that the other person can't wait to get out of the conversation we, or rather I, are in.  I feel inadequate, stupid, worthless, no-one-has-time-for-me.

So here it is: It has to start with me.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Brene Brown

Here's a clip from Brene Brown.  She talks about vulerabilty and she says it very well.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Every Child

Every child wants to please dad.  "Am I ok?"  But if dad isn't there, the child faces abandonment and rejection among other things.  "Dad left because of me.  There must be something wrong with me.  I am fatally flawed."

Transfer that to God:
 -God is angry with me.  -God is absent/distant.  -We become works oriented.  -Feelings of self-pity  -I don't deserve (good things).

Every child needs the softness of mom.  "Am I lovable?" But if mom isn't there, the child has no safe place to be comforted, to relax, to be "me", to talk things out, no place to feel "unjudged".  "I am not ok.  I have to be strong.  No one is safe, I'm not safe.  Work, work, work."

Transfer that to God:

 -God is judgmental.  -God is not safe.  -God is angry.  -God is not soft, comforting.  -God punishes harshly.  -I have to perform to get God to 'love' me.  -God doesn't want me.  -God doesn't even like me.

So many people grow up without one or both parents.  It's sad really because God created the family unit to have BOTH parents involved in the child's life to create wholeness.  The masculinity of the male creates confidence in a child.  It creates the "go-get 'em, Tiger" we all want to hear.  We NEED dad to push and cheer us on.  We need him to teach us to be confident in ourselves.

We need mom.  She is the tender side.  She calls to us in the quiet moments to talk to us gently.  She holds us and comforts us.  When we lose the game, she's there to give the "it's ok, I still love YOU" talk.  And we need that.  There's nothing wrong with me, I just didn't quite make it... this time.  She enjoys time with us.  She listens to our hearts and loves what's in it.  She  doesn't condemn us for what's inside.  She's the safe place.

Then, when we know we are safe, and we can trust the family unit.  We listen, again to dad's "Go get 'em, Tiger!  Knock 'em dead!"  And we will get up and try again.  Why?  Because that's what we're really made of.  Trust.  Love.  Expectancy.  Rest.  Safety.    LOVE.

God is all of these.  He really is.

Unfortunately, many of my friends are not experiencing these.  O how I long to be able to help them understand.  But not in their heads.  In their entire being.  What fun it is to just KNOW who you are and WHY.

That's what we call  PURPOSE.

This song is by Kelly Clarkson.  It's very touching, very true.  I'm glad she spoke out because so many people feel this way about divorce.  It really breaks the heart to hear what little children feel.  And still feel as they get older but the feelings never go away.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

School again

We started school again yesterday.  We had the longest, most amazing Christmas Vacation ever!  It's not that our Christmas was amazing or our New Year's.

My parents asked if my oldest daughter (13) could go with them to Colorado to go to my cousin's wedding and to be my mom's companion while my dad worked.  My husband and I thought and prayed about it and gave her a "thumbs up".  My daughter was ecstatic.  She spent 1-on-1 time with Grandma and got a breakfast date with Grandpa.  She saw the Garden of the Gods and went to Focus on the Family's Whit's End.  She even got to drink a world famous chocolate soda which the call a "wo-fam-choc-sod"  (hyphenated so you can read it).

My other daughter (12) stayed home with us.  I told her to write down all the things she wanted to do and we'd do them.  We marked off everything on her list (except horseback riding-$) even the ones we, her parents, added.  We painted ceramics, organized her room, bought her nice clothes, got her a new haircut, checked out Barnes and Noble, drank hot chocolate from Starbucks (very popular out here), took a trip to IKEA, went bowling, played some games at a video arcade place called the Boardwalk, got a chocolate dipped cone from McDonalds.

Plus my friend, who is currently living in Germany due to husband's job, came out and we got to spend time hitting all the thrift stores by my house.  See, we don't have garage sales out here in San Diego like they do in other places.  How I wish we did!  I could find all kinds of goodies....muuah ha ha.  For creative purposes of course.

So, everyone's back to their normal habits.  Yuck.  I really prefer not having everything being so mundane.  But, what do you do when your husband has a job and kids need school!

I found a headboard sitting out on my neighbor's curb about a month back.  I'm finally getting around to antiquing it.  I'm going to turn it into a bench, if I'm successful.   Otherwise,  I don't know.......