Wednesday, May 18, 2011

new beginnings/old endings

I've been going through a lot lately.  I'm still discovering what it is exactly.

I have grown up in a loving home.  I've been taught to love God and stuff. Very, very grounded.  Gravity is gravity is gravity, 1+1=2 kind of stuff.  Just recently (last 2 1/2 years) I've been going through a time of emotional "awareness".  An example: If I don't feel like cleaning my house, then there is a reason for it and I need to search it out and grow and change and only God can change me.  I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that's what I've been going through.

So!  I've been miserable the, I don't know, while.  More than a couple months.  I've been letting things slide.  And the more I let slide, the more other things slide.  For instance, I don't want to clean the house.  Then, I don't want to cook meals.  Then, I want to sleep a lot and be online all day.  Get the picture?  See the fruit?  I didn't say it was GOOD fruit.  I just said fruit.

Needless to say, on top of all that, I've been hating myself for going down this road.  Inside I'm not liking what I'm NOT doing, wishing things (me) would change.  BUT I'm still DOING these things, or for lack of a better word, NOT doing things I should.

Just these past couple of days everything's come to a head.  Many things I'm reading all point back to the basics.  DO.  Even if I don't want to do anything, I still have to.  Will/Spirit vs. Flesh/Heart

I am learning there will always be a battle.  Some battles are little some are big.  some last a short while, while others drag out over time.

Who am I at my core?  I am female.  What is my role?  to love God, love my husband, love my kids, love my church, love my job.  In that order.  How am I doing? ahhh. 
What is a female's role?  to take care of her home.  How am i doing?

See just because I don't feel like it doesn't mean I wait until I do feel like it.  Things would never get done.  What if my husband didn't feel like going to work?  What if my kids didn't feel like doing homework or obeying me?  What if I didn't have my quiet time with God in the mornings because I didn't feel like it?  What if we didn't take the trash out?  What if....?

I was raised "Do it, even if you don't feel like it."  Certain other things in my life have said "If you don't feel it, don't do it." And it's being taught to numerous people.  I'm not saying emotions are wrong.  But there is a line to draw.  I don't know where that is yet, but I'm sure going to find out.  Miracles happen somewhere in between these 2 ideas and I, for one, want to see them.

1 comment:

gnattybug said...

Honey, if I homeschool the kids my house would probably be a mess most of the time LOL Give yourself a break! You DO alot! Think of all the things you DO do. Is your hubby happy? Are the kids happy? That's what's important! As long as your house isn't a dump or doesn't smell like one..