I have good news! God has come through and broke through my troubles. I don't fully understand it, but that's ok.
I learned that I have value. VALUE. I have a voice. Thanks to several things that came my way and hit me all the same time (because God was making a point). I saw the movie "The King's Speech". Great movie. Highly recommended. The Soul Restoration "art" (really a collage) class teaching me about moving forward put on by The Brave Girls Club. The new book coming out in September, Resolution for Women. And Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest daily devotional. All of them talk about going forward BY SHEER WILL.
Emotion has too much hype. They are a tool, not something to base all perspective on.
I've also been transformed in the area of LIVING IN THE MOMENT. It's all about being HERE, NOW. When my children were little, I was angry a lot because I didn't want to be where I was. I couldn't wait for them to grow up. Now, 10 years later, I am still in that place. What happened? Why do I feel like this? Why is it that I don't want to be here, in the present, with who i am currently with? So what would I rather be doing, you say? Watching movies, shopping, being on the internet. Those are my escape. But then when I come back to reality. I am more angry, frustrated, irritated. Why?
There's a new movie coming out in September. It's called Courageous. It's by the same people who made Flywheel, Facing the Giants, and Fireproof. (It's really good and another movie recommendation.) It has accompaniment books called Resolution for Men and Resolution for Women. I read the sample first chapter and it's really good. It talks about being content. (The one for men has a totally different message.) It hit me between the eyes and helped me see that I haven't been content. I have been looking for other things to make me happy. Two questions that the book asks are "What are you running from? What are you running toward?" I knew what I was running from (my current life) but I didn't know what I was running toward. There was no definite answer; just some vague something out there in the distance that I couldn't grasp.
Knowing this caused me to really look at my world. There is a reason I am where I am. There is a reason God has me here in this house, with this family, with my church, etc. What does He want? What is my role? I gotta tell you, it was sobering to see the answer. SLOW DOWN AND BE HERE... NOW.
WOW. What do you do with that? My mind actually changed. CHANGED.
Now, I can't say I don't struggle with the old way. There are times when I get really 'itchy' to do what my old nature did. I am still 'working out my salvation'. Great thing is, Oswald Chambers said what I needed to hear. "When in struggle, say to yourself 'The Lord is my Helper'. And He will help you." Of course this is paraphrased, but it WORKS.
The results of that were that I found the movies, needless shopping and hours on the internet were my escape from reality. Knowing this in my core, not in my head, has calmed and centered me and now I choose when they happen. Before, there was a strong pull to do them. Now, when the pull happens, I center myself again by saying, and believing, "The Lord is my Helper". And God ministers to me by focusing me on my current situation and He points out what I can do RIGHT NOW.
Today's My Utmost for His Highest says when God says 'I will give you rest' that doesn't mean that he's saying He will plump your pillow. It means that in the current situation you are in, He is getting you out of bed-out of listlessness and exhaustion, out of your condition of being half dead, worn out. He will give your spirit life, you will be sustained by the perfection of vital activity. It also says that your will has to make the determination to deliberately commit everything in your life to Him. See? It's not about emotions. It's about making a determination in your spirit and to walk it out. DO IT.
Knowing all this and seeing the fruit of all that's happened in the last 3 weeks has really helped me. It was not a quick, physical change. It was rather slow. I'm glad for that. Chances are something quick would've caused me to question the depth of the change. It took me at least a week to pick up responsibilities that belonged to me that I had dropped along the way.
I found that I have a place. My responsibilities are MINE. These are now labeled by ME. Not by my mom (who taught me what my role is as a mom/wife/housewife during my growing up years). Not by my husband (who is sooooooo patient). Or by anyone else in my life. If it doesn't come from the inside then it's not part of me, it's not my value. I don't own this. God showed me that I need to own this. He taught me how to own this.
Unfortunately, I've been married 14 years and I'm just learning this. All of this. Fortunately, I LEARNED IT. Praise God! And I'm still learning this lesson. Like I said, it's not a quick fix. And you know what?
The Lord is My Helper. :)