It's been several months since God has really done a big change in me and it's still here. Yay! I am not afraid of people's opinions of me. I am what I am. Only God can change me, truly. I can make new habits. I can make New Year's Resolutions any time of the year and try so hard to "keep up the good work" but none of that really sticks. (I know, I've tried. It lasted a week.) When God reveals to you the "lightbulb" moment, things CHANGE and they change permanently. YAY!!!
Example: When my pastor would ask how I'm doing (by the way he's about the same age I am). I would tell him ALL the things that were going wrong in my life. WHY? It would drive me nuts that he had that "power" over me. I asked myself that question. Why do I respond this way? Well, our culture has taught us that this man is closer to God than we are and we treat him as such. We either tell him all the things good or ...bad. I resulted to bad. The reality is that we can have the same relationship with God that our pastors do. God did everything he could to have communication with everyone. He didn't do more for the pastors/priests than he did for us. They don't have special privileges. The only reason we feel this way is because we don't spend time in the Word. We don't spend time with God. It's guilt! God showed me He LOVES me!
I have value. I have value enough for Him to die on the cross for me! When I searched my heart, I really felt that I wasn't worth enough for Him to even die for me. My heart really believed that! My head knew the truth, but my heart didn't agree with it. That's where unworthiness comes from. We have SOME kind of value. Otherwise, God wouldn't spend time even THINKING about us. But He does. I am not scum. You aren't either.
You know there are many things that our head agrees/disagrees on. But our hearts differ; sometimes greatly! I had to do some soul searching to understand me. I had to ask myself if I really believed certain things. I had to allow myself to disagree with friends. I had to search things out. And now, I know ME! Of course, I'm constantly changing, and growing. :) finally....